Brain injury, Life with…

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      Peace,

My name is Jesse Clowater and I would like to tell you what my God did for me. Before I begin I feel it necessary to inform you that when I say, my God, I am referring to the Maker of heaven and earth. The only God, my beginning and my end. For that matter everyone’s beginning and everyone’s end. I’ve been face-to-face with way more than no people, all with 1 million different excuses or reasons they would rather not listen and keep on doing what they do.

Yes, they’ll listen to me tell about how a 25-year-old man struggled to live and survived. They will answer it with the usual wows. All the while, their faces masking up as one of the usual excuses is said and/or used, to distract me like women, alcohol, and drugs. Rather successfully used to keep me complacent, off the subject, and from popping the question of whether or not they’ve decided where they’re going to spend the longer portion of the life.

They, hearing that I have turned over a new leaf, following a new road, did not know what to think. You see I am more certain than not that God saved my life through Jesus. Peace. It’s far easier than hard, He can be Lord of your life too. Really all you have to do is find a secluded place, where you can think seriously. Pour your heart out, confessing to Him you are a sinner. Ask Him for forgiveness which, being Just and True, He is faithful to give. Then ask Him, Jesus Christ, to be Lord of your life. I must warn you, what you have just done carries far more responsibility than it is painted out to. Way more, but He is faithful to help you through whatever your problem, do not think of problems for they are small compared to Him. Understanding that we don’t have to face it alone, all we have to do is ask Him and help will be there. I’ve been prescribed to lots of different medications ranging from ones to do with my spasticity and others to deal with the seizures. Now, as of when it happened, I only take sleeping meds, and for that I praise God. I praise Him for a host of reasons. For allowing me the pleasure of walking again. Repeatedly saving my life.

Banner-Recovered

MIND BLINDNESS… (a third-person perspective)
       What I suffer from, I guess suffer is the wrong word. But what I have to deal with, there is no direct name for it. But the closest thing I’ve found was called emotional blindness or mind-blindness. Now, before I continue, I must say that I am by far not the worst case just as my injury isn’t the worst but, it is what it is.
       Now unmentioned people have used this all to their own advantage saying and doing things which I would’ve taken offense. But my accident and my injury have changed both my mindset and my actions. In some situations seeing the end results instead of the “feeling”. Because feelings will lie to you. When something happens to someone, to you, a choice arises. On one hand, you can close yourself up, becoming more and more closed to society. Or, on the other hand, you can make amends for wrongdoings in your past, and pick yourself up, moving forward.
       Peace and/or hello my name is Jesse Clowater and I am the survivor of a car accident that blessed me with a severe traumatic brain. As you can see, but you can’t because of your reading, I have physical limitations and am not the same person as I was was before my accident. But I still consider myself fortunate and blessed. I have a way better than bad life and have been granted by God a second chance simply to tell my story in hopes that someone learns. So even if one person learns, out of the people that read this, I will consider my doings a success.

       Walking the edge, still framed snapshots, faces, and/or places, are pretty much all that remain in my cranium. The hospital’s rooms, the unearthly glow of the lights and the never-ending presence of people entering and exiting the room. Their faces randomly get burned to the backs of your eyelids for a minute but now can only be likened to a dream. From what I remembered, nothing too extreme was ever done to me, of course, that all depends on what a person’s definition of what warrants the label “extreme”. It was never like I chose to go through what I did or ever thought about ending it all regardless of how bad things went. It was and is REALITY, a thing over the years before my “situation” I had chosen to ignore. Either you learn from reality or reality learns you. Keyword in the sentence before last being chosen, root to choose or choices, real life is chock full of them.

Waking up I really did not know what was going on, what had occurred in my reality, the reality, and what I was faced against in my struggle or lack of. I choose to thank God instead of cursing Him for my outcome. The accident saved my life, in way more ways than one. Don’t get me wrong everything is not hunky-dory, but who said life was gonna be that way. A night of what seemed like fun with friends turned into many nights in the emergency room of UVA. I prayed early on in my reality for God to only let me remember that which would prove useful to me in the future. So many options were given, and yet not taking any one of them, I think I became numb, caring but not truly caring.

       I have a way better than bad life and have been granted by God a second chance simply to tell my story in hopes that someone learns. So even if one person learns, out of the people that read this, I will consider my doings a success. Waking up I really did not know what was going on, what had occurred in my reality, the reality, and what I was faced against in my struggle or lack of. I choose to thank God instead of cursing Him for my outcome. The accident that saved my life, in way more ways than one. Don’t get me wrong everything is not hunky-dory, but who said life was gonna be that way. A night of what seemed like fun with friends turned into many nights in the emergency room of UVA. I prayed early on in my reality to God to only let me remember that which would prove useful to me in the future. So many options were given, and yet not taking any one of them, I think I became numb, caring but not truly caring.
       The accident that saved my life, in way more ways than one. Don’t get me wrong everything is not hunky-dory, but who said life was gonna be that way. A night of what seemed like fun with friends turned into many nights in the emergency room of UVA. I prayed early on in my reality to God to only let me remember that which would prove useful to me in the future. So many options were given, and yet not taking any one of them, I think I became numb, caring but not truly caring.
       The accident saved my life, in way more ways than one. Don’t get me wrong everything is not hunky-dory, but who said life was gonna be that way. A night of what seemed like fun with friends turned into many nights in the emergency room of UVA. I prayed early on in my reality to God to only let me remember that which would prove useful to me in the future. So many options were given, and yet not taking any one of them, I think I became numb, caring but not truly caring.
       My father, along with my grandfather, was another of the great memories that were stolen from me. My injury was so severe, I don’t remember a host of things, like my dad died when I was sixteen. So I did not think it weird that only my mother and my grandmother stood before my bed in the hospital. Even when I was let home my mind’s eye was still far simpler than not. So I didn’t even remember my real home that I shared with my mother.

This post: August 27, Saturday, three days after the day of my birth, or the celebration of. It was far smaller than big, actually with two of the women that mean the most to me. That has done everything for me, even if it was indirect.

They took me to some barbecue joint, the name of escapes my mind’s eye at the time but will update at a later… The barbecue connection, or something that sort. Started out the day, actually, the last three day’s and things were not going well. But my mind’s eye reminded me of the fact that everything is a choice and of the necessity to live life simply. It clued me into the reality that the enemy was attempting to complicate and all I needed to do was live simply. So that I did and will continue to…

Peace and/or pieces,

JMC a.k.a. JClo I will see you when I see U… Peace till then.

 


I was mulling the other day and will be doing so every time I do. Over the last nine years many things escape my memory but those that I remember mostly get done. A brain injury is a most horrible thing, definitely not worth driving while drunk or one of the many other numerous causes.But my Awesome God in His great wisdom placed me back on my feet again. The question posed itself to me, “Why are bad things much more exciting to do than good things?”.

Then my mind answered the question it, itself had posed, “The human brain is no more than a computer, one far more complex than not. Everything being by degree, obviously you in your past before the accident have trained brain to like such.” Now my accident practically erased my memory of things of my past, except left just enough to allow for life to continue. As I said earlier my prayer to God was to only let me remember that was useful to my future. He being all-knowing did just that leaving me with both the good and the bad just as a normal human being.

 

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