Filters

Leaving the hospital where everything is 2-D, live or die, and entering the 3-D world I left the “pseudo-filter” the hospital environment provided. It was a good thing my mother, who had been serving as my mommy and daddy too, took the place of the hospital as my Faddy Filter. As directed, she kept me away from solid food and policed the comings and goings of our home.

And the filter named Randy makes the public stuff public while keeping the private stuff in the box. Randy always kept me out of trouble in public. Sometime in my mixup and the hospital stay he took a leave of absence. Upon exiting, he had left the door wide open. Leaving a whole to which anything, and I mean anything could go in or come out. Any thought or person was allowed in and any impulsive comment came out, which presented a “fun” opportunity for people and offered me as a target for amusement, which they did not let go to waste.

But the worst filter to be missing is the one that controls my emotions. It tells your body when to cry and when to laugh. When this filter was out on sick leave, I became emotionally blind. The result is a “third person” mentality, which makes me a spectator in my own play. In place of getting sad or crying, I got mad. I am unable to release emotions by crying when crying is called for. So instead, my body resorted to anger, getting mad in the wrong situation only creates bigger problems.

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